


Asking The Real Questions

by flye



Series: Role Reversal AU [2]
Category: DCU, The Flash (TV 2014), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Barry Allen is one of The Rogues, Crack, Criminal Barry Allen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I haven't slept in days, I'm Sorry, Is this crack?, M/M, More like the leader, Role Reversal, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, This is a side-story to Flashes Of Cold, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, idek, jk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 12:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11646462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flye/pseuds/flye
Summary: The Rogues discuss Barry's digestion system. It's just as bad as it sounds.





	Asking The Real Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Technically a side story to Flashes Of Cold (http://archiveofourown.org/works/11541519), but it can be enjoyed (if that's the right word) without first having read that. The one thing to know is that Barry is the leader of the Rogues, and Len is a cop at the CCPD. Barry still works as a CSI, and he and Len are friends (Barry has a huge crush on Len). Mark Mardon has just joined the Rogues (for y'all who have read Flashes Of Cold, this is set the day after Mardon was first introduced).
> 
> More specifically, it's set between chapter six and seven - which I now realize I haven't even posted... Oopsie. ^^;

"Wait, _how_ many tacos?!"

It was a normal day at the Rogues' hideout. Barry was at work - wooing Leonard Snart, no doubt - working his day job at the CCPD while the rest of the Rogues were gossiping back at the base. After all, it's not every day that you get a new teammate, and they'd be damned if they didn't get to have some fun with him before their team leader got back to spoil the party.

And what better way to make an afternoon fly by than to talk about their boss' super powers? More specifically -- his super metabolism?

Hartley smirked evilly at the man who had asked the question -- Mark Mardon -- before repeating his last statement. "850 tacos a day."

Mardon just stared at him in shock, eyebrows halfway to the ceiling and mouth hanging agape. "That's _insane_." He huffed after a short, speechless silence. "How many calories is that?"

Hartley just shook his head. "I've honestly no idea."

Mardon wasn't done, though. He wanted to know _more_ about this _fascinating_ part of the speedster's powers. "But is that, like, every day...? Or just when he runs a lot?"

By now their discussion had attracted the attention of some of the other Rogues, and soon both Shawna and Roy were sitting down on the couch with them, listening idly to their convo. Roy was sipping a beer, whilst Shawna seemed to be munching on an apple.

Hartley raised an eyebrow at Mardon, ignoring the newest additions. "How do you mean?"

"I think what he means is; if Barry just sits around all day doing nothing, will he still need to eat 850 tacos' worth of food?" Shawna pitched in, looking amused as she spoke, and raised an eyebrow at Mardon. "Right?"

He nodded, and then turned to look at Hartley for an answer.

"I don't... _Hope_ so." Hartley replied after a seconds thought. 

"Logically, wouldn't he have to eat more than a normal person, but not as much as if he ran?" Roy asked, looking pretty sure that he was, in fact, correct. He'd known his boss from a pretty long time, and he knew that Barry didn't really eat a lot _all_ of the time. It'd be pretty damn expensive - even for a thief - to eat 850 tacos a day, namely.

Shawna nodded at him. "Makes sense."

The four of them sat in silence for a while, thinking about what they had just discussed, and before they knew it Mardon spoke up again.

"But what about..." He trailed off before he could finish his thought out loud.

"What about what?" Hartley asked, quirking an eyebrow at the newest member of the Rogues.

Mardon took a deep breath before exhaling loudly, almost heartfeltly. "What about... Bathroom breaks?"

At his words, three things happened all at once. Shawna was suddenly choking on her apple, coughing loudly while dunking her chest in an attempt to get the piece of fruit out of her windpipe. Roy suddenly spat out the gulp of beer, making the liquid rain down on the floor after having been projectiled into the air - it was a miracle that he didn't spit it out _on_ somebody. The third thing that happened was that Hartley broke into a hysteric laughter, giggling like a maniac as Mardon was left shifting his stare from one person to the next.

Apparently they hadn't expected for him to ask _that_ question.

After having calmed down a little - Shawna had stopped choking, Roy had wiped his mouth free from lingering droplets of bear - Hartley decided to grant that question an answer, still smiling ever-so-slightly in amusement. "I'm not entirely sure I want to hear where this is going, but alright, what about them?"

Mardon was almost blushing by the time he started to speak. "I, uh, does he need to go to the bathroo-- Like, how many times extra, I mean, uhh..." He trailed off, and the three other people raised an eyebrow each at him, meaning for him to continue.

Just as Mardon was about to do so, however, Mick came strolling into the room, a whole bottle of liquor in his hand that he was taking large swigs out of as he walked. "What're you talkin' about?" He gruffed, and Mardon sighed.

"How many tacos can a normal person eat in a day? Five?"

Mick raised an eyebrow at him, but nodded. "Yeah, five sound normal."

Mardon knitted his eyebrows together in thought, trying to calculate his math problem in his head. After a few seconds of finger-counting, he looked up again. "So 850 tacos is, uhhh, one hundred and seventy times as many as what a normal person would need to eat, right?"

Mick just stared at him, before taking another gulp out of his bottle. "That's too many numbers. I don't care."

Hartley piped (hah!) in. "Yeah, that's right."

"Wait," Shawna said. "Does that mean that he needs to go to the bathroom on hundred and seventy times as much as a normal person?"

"But then he'd have to spend _all day_ at the John." Mardon pointed out, but that _was_ where his trail of thought had been going.

"Yeah, that can't be right..." Roy huffed.

"Maybe he can shit in super speed, too." Mick just gruffed as he threw himself onto the couch and gained four raised eyebrows at him.

"Makes sense!" Roy said. "Like, _shhhhloouuuchh..._ " he said, adding some borderline obscene gestures to his noises.

"Now _that's_ an image I will never get out of my head." Hartley just said, his mouth pressed into a thin line as he looked at Roy with barely-contained disgust.

Shawna nodded, looking at what she had left of her apple before throwing it into the waste bin. "Suddenly my appetite vanished."

Mardon just shook his head. "Maybe he burns food linearly?"

"You mean that if he eats 850 tacos, he'll still leave the same amount of, uhh, _rest material_ as if normal people ate five?" Hartley asked, intrigued.

Mardon nodded at him.

"Huh... That makes sense, as well."

"But I guess it's something that we will never find out." Shawna added, sighing slightly, but secretly pleased that she never would. She's not sure that she'd be able to look Barry in the eye if she _did_ find out.

"Or, you could just ask him." Mick pointed out, but the rest of them just shook their heads no. "I think it's best if we did not. Plus, he's not even here, so-" Hartley replied, but was promptly cut off by Mick.

"Nah, he's here alright. He's been standing in the doorway for longer than I've been here."

And at Mick's words, all of the Rogues snapped their heads towards the doorway, finding the Scarlet Speedster standing there - his face a very appropriate red - gaping at them with ill-concealed fury in his eyes.

"Oh, B-Barry we-" And that's where Mick stopped listening. Though he did hear some frantic screams out of fear every now and then after that, and some incoherent pained screeches.

Well well, it was none of his problems.

**Author's Note:**

> So I got my sister to start watching the Flash with me the other day. And so I can finally discuss all the ( _very_ important) questions I've been thinking about since I started watching it ages ago.
> 
> This is literally based on our discussion about how many times Barry might need to go to the loo in a day. I'm sorry. xD
> 
>  
> 
> ~~Leave a comment??~~


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